Saturday, February 18, 2006

Ode to Bucketheads

I joined my first fantasy football league in 1990 with a group of my IBM colleagues in the Minneapolis office. The league was informally known as Grom's FFL in honor of its founder and organizer. It's a tough league to win. Carry over owners are experienced in fantasy sport. They are good judges of talent, rarely make foolish roster moves and are extremely suspicious of trade offers. I've become, as Master4Caster, the league's unofficial sports writer, reporting game results as though they were real contests, inventing the play-by-play in a sometimes humorous fashion. At the end of each season, I write a summary of the season touting the prowess of the Fantasy Bowl Champion. For the 2005 season, I wrote it as an epic saga to Bucketheads. Every team in the league is mentioned. My team, the Ponies, finished a sorry 5-9.

This is the saga of Bucketheads,
a team for whom it must be said
was never far from the league elite
as they clawed their way to the top of the heap.

Unlike Coach Davis’ previous team,
whose effort was mighty maggoty it seemed,
they never made a firm decision
to break into the upper division.

Bucketheads’ future was preordained
as soon as they drafted Reggie Wayne.
To add a touch of thunderbolt,
they spiced their roster with Torry Holt.

And Collins and Kennison and TJ Duckett,
just fit in on a team named Bucket.
And Mewelde Moore was really hip,
tho’ he saw nothing on the Viking ship.

Buckets kicked off with animal cruelty
when they made Dawgs their first casualty;
running the score to sixty-two
while Dawggies slipped in their own doo-doo.

The Buckets next faced the somewhat Deep Threat.
Bucketheads whistled and sang “Not to fret.
Threat’s neither a threat nor really that deep.”
So they downed a half-keg and beat them, no sweat.

Long Snapper and Code were the next to fall.
They seemed not to be a problem at all.
The point differential was thirty-six.
Buckets swelled with pride to be in the mix.

Then Bucketheads visited East River Rogue.
A date with the Champs was much in vogue.
The Champs pinned their hopes on Bolden and Jones,
but Bledsoe and Glenn were too much of a load.

But Cavemen and Czechboys were on high alert.
“Not here, not us are you going to hurt!
No head for the Buckets, no way, not today.”
As they clubbed them and tossed them hard in the dirt.

“Those last two games were not so hard fought.
We didn’t put out as much as we ought.
We need a rest, a respite, a thought.
Coming up next is sorry Zagnought.”

Money then followed and they were not EZ.
Johnson did much to make Buckets queasy.
Coach Davis cried out “you guys are a pain.
I’ve made up my mind to meet you again!”

Tired and weary, in need of a rest,
in need of some teams not of the best.
Some teams resembling phony balonies.
That only described the Hammsies and Ponies.

Then Buckets they suffered a major setback,
confounded by Bow-wows’ savage attack.
And Threat did the same in much more than name.
Coach Davis exclaimed “I’m coming back.”

Davis pimped his team “Get offa this crapper.”
You’ve got to go fight the rising Long Snapper.
If you want to be the star of this poem,
You gotta go win, go win or go home.”

Just to be sure to change this canard
he handed the ball to David Garrard,
who came off the bench and took no day off
to lead the ‘Heads to the golden playoffs.

On came Deep Threat in round number one
with Peyton and Marvin and Mrs. Parker’s son.
Garrard had no fear. He though it was thrillin’
to just hand the ball to Corey Dillon.

Now at last was the Money rematch.
Coach Davis sat down for his plan to hatch.
For the crown was at stake. It was time to star.
Get your stars to star and you could go far.

And star they did that bright starry night,
Dillon and Glenn and Holt, what a sight.
But David Garrard proved quite a man
to come off the bench and show that he can.

Thus, Buckets are champs of the year oh-five.
They can brag and boast for all of their lives.
Coach Davis proclaims “I won the Cup!
The rest of you losers can just pay up.”

Revised January 27, 2006

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